Videogames were basically built around attacks. In PONG you "attacked" your opponent with ball trajectories, in Pacman you "attacked" the ghosts with your mouth, and in Super Mario you "attacked" the goombas from above. Lately, gaming has evolved into a medium that doesn´t necessarily involves attacking - but make no mistake, in general, videogames is still basically all about attacking. In this list, we are going to look at some of the real stinkers.
10: Pro Wrestling (NES) - Kin Corn Karns "Mongolian Chop."
It´s slow. It has long start up. It´s easy to avoid, and it looks stupid. Worse yet, it replaces the ordinary punch - which is far quicker and more resourceful. It doesn´t even make sense. Why would anybody - on purpose - jump up in order to administrate a downward thrust towards the top of the cranium? That´s the hardest part of the body! Worst. Wrestling move. Ever. editors note: make that second worst, Joey Ryans Balls of Steel will forever hold that top spot
9: Mega Man 3 (NES) - "Top Spin"
Look at that GIF. Look how awful it is. After Mega Man defeats Top Man, he adapts the amazing ability to do a pirouette. Pirouettes are good for a lot of things, i guess... but defeating robots sure isn´t one of them. Top Spin is inconsistent and difficult to use, it´s not clear on which enemies it will work, it puts you at risk for damage and there is literally no reason to ever use it in favour of any kind of ballistic attacks. Pirouettes are for ballet dancers, not robots, silly little Mega Man.
8: Final Fantasy VII (PS1) - "Mug"
Imagine being a thief. Grinding away on you Steal-Materia, in hopes of perfecting the art of pilfering. Eventually you´ll learn Mug - an evolved form of stealing where you also, slightly damage your victim. By learning this, you forget how to steal. Now, ask any criminal in ther world.... if they would like to be stripped of their ability to steal objects WITHOUT damaging the victim. That´s not an attack, that´s a curse!
7: Ghost and Goblin´s series. (MUL) - "Torch"
Nobody likes the torch. The torch is an uninvited guest. You don´t pick up the torch, you trip onto it. The torch doesn´t help you finish the game. You finish the game DESPITE the torch. It´s slow, it falls pathetically on the ground, a couple of inches in front of you, and just... kind of stays there. The torch is inferior to the knife, in every conceivable way and you should avoid it at all costs.
6: HALO 2 (Xbox) - "Sentinel Beam"
We all tried loving the Sentinel Beam. It looks so cool. It reminded us of light sabers. We destroyed the Sentinels, picked up the weapon from their remains and thought to ourselves "It´s payback time!" Then we aiming the beam at our enemies, laughed manically, and slowly watched them never, ever die. Ever.
5: Punch Out!! (NES) - Glass Joe´s "Taunt Punch"
- "Hey Mac, i´ve been working on a thing!" - "What is it Joe?" - "It´s a special attack! My foes won´t know what hit them!" "Cool, show me what you got" -----------------------------------------------> - "Jeez Mac, you knocked me out cold! How did you manage to counter my special attack?" - "Well, you... kind of counted to two, took a little skip, and punched on three..." - "It´s my special attack! I´m very special." - "..."
4: TMNT (NES) - Raphael´s "Sai"
Leonardo´s katanas are multi-purposeful. Good length, decent speed. Donatello´s Bo can hit enemies from afar, sometimes even pierce through ceilings. Michel-angelo´s nunchucks got the sweeping range, perfect for fending of smaller foes. Raphael´s Sai, well.... Raphael´s Sai is basically a glorified fork. A consolingprice, that get´s pulled out when all other Turtles are knocked out. If you were a Pokemon, dear Sai, no one would ever choose you.
3: Super Smash Bros. (MUL) - Jigglypuff´s "Rest"
Smash Wiki description of this attack reads as follows. "Jigglypuff turns towards the screen and falls asleep for 3 seconds"
And that is exactly what happens. And please, spare me with all the details about how useful this attack might at high level play. I don´t care about that. All i care about is TRYING TO GET THAT STUPID PINK BALL TO MOVE AGAIN AFTER PRESSING DOWN + B AND OH MY DEAR GOD HE FELL ASLEEP AGAIN!!!
2: Super Mario Bros. 3. (NES) - Mario´s "Tanooki Suit"
Look at Mario there, on the right. Safely transformed into an immobile, solid object. Nothing can harm him - while he is standing there... Making absolutely no progress what so ever. Yeah, look, i know, acquiring the Tanooki Suit in SMB 3 was a magical moment. The discovery of it´s transformative power was nothing short of a revelation. We all felt the power, the endless possibilities - and we all eventually came to realise that the coolest videogamepower to that date, was also the most useless one. Sigh.
1: Pokemon. (MUL) - Magikarp´s "Splash"
A gif speaks more than a thousand word.
No further comment.
Written by Dag Härdfeldt. Chainblast Gaming. 2020/08/12. Sweden.
Honorable Mention: Ebisumaru´s "Crawl"
Even though it´s technically not an attack - you really can´t make a list about useless maneuvers withouth mentioning Ebisumarus iconic transportation of his glorious body.